I’m feeling all of the feelings today.
The last few hours of maternity leave have come. The time is now.
A maelstrom of emotions hijacked me in the strangest of places today.
Starting off, the shower.
This came as a surprise.
No build up.
No lurking depths of emotions barrelling to be freed.
It was taking the baby bath out of the bathroom that caught me unawares. I cried me a salty river.
But, not for reasons you’d think.
I caught myself thinking of the sheer energy and willpower I’ll need to actually shower on a daily basis. Like, waaaay more often- since I will be engaging in conversation with more than 3 understanding relatives on a daily basis!
Let’s face it.
Breast milk and vomit are not legit when you’re sharing an office. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Youth workers – they’re a subversive bunch, so who knows, I might get lucky.
I’ve also felt gurgles of giddiness with the anticipation of catching up with friends. Writing in my new notebook. Smelling my fancy paper. Ok! No fancy paper, but definitely drinking hot coffee, get this – while it’s still hot!
I’m feeling fizzy thinking about the amount of things to do. I have only achieved 2 things off my priority list. Buying new clothes is one. The washing machine’s been shrinking clothes. Well, only my clothes. How strange is that?
In pursuit of finding clothes for my Mum bod- i leapt into action, i saw some beauties, i went up a size.
Painful. However vainful.
But I had a word with myself in the car on the way home. I decided to treat myself with kindness and give myself a break. Will I be wearing a bikini anytime soon – eh no! Hands up if you’re keeping a little human alive – hell to the yeah! I agreed with myself and took my hand down.
Oh and I’ve been feeling emotionally damp.
Like I just came home from a walk in hazy rain. Like i’m stuck, rain dripping from my nose in the hallway wondering what to do next.
Like i don’t know where to start.
But really i know once i get fresh and dry, I’ll laugh at being caught in the rain shower and wonder how hazy rain is THE wettest rain known to humankind.
Back to work.
I remember my role.
I remember me in on my role.
It’s just, I’m not sure I’m necessarily fit for purpose just yet!
I once bought a Nissan Micra.
Yes, by choice.
And whenever I went around the roundabout in the Omni, the passenger door flung open. Never anywhere else. Never any other time. Another moment in life when i’ve used the term- not fit for purpose. It all ended well though, i traded it in for a delicious, hot Red Red Mini (I miss you Ruby!).
I remember what it’s like to return after maternity leave. Sure, I’ve done it twice before. It feels different for sure, not easier.
So, I decided to search Dr. Google for tips on returning to work after maternity leave.
They all joke about winning the lotto. Those messers!
I find almost every article mentions buying new clothes. They all exclaim that shopping will make you feel ‘fabulous’ and forget to mention the trauma of mirrors. How and ever. Tick!
They mention easing back into work. Now this is GREAT advice for me. Tick!
I’ve also met me and know this is like asking the Kardashians to refrain from selfie-ing. Impossible!
You see, I’m all in. Always have been.
It’s dually one of my best and worst traits.
Finally, one article in Vogue.com catches my eye. It mentions a Harvard Study that conclusively finds working mothers are good for the economy, super for society and great mothertruckin’ role models for their children, particularly daughters. Ohhhhhhhhhh! I have one of those. Tick! Tick! TICK!!!
I consider the facts.
In a flurry, I double check the clock.
All things considered.
Next stop, Eurospar.
I’ve still 5 minutes before the 7.20pm deadline.
It could be me?